So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
