So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
