Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
