I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
