the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
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I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
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I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize