May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
