You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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