yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
