I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
