If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
