1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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