my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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