Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
