some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
