I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
