i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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