I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
