Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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