If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
