yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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