I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
