im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
