You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
