so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
