I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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