it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
How's work?
Spinning.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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