I could make wine with my vomit
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
