We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
They have beer where we have blood.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
