Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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