Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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