She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
