i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
