I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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