the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
