that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
