Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
