i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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