did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize