I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
