I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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