Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
