So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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