my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
