I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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