The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
