he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
