just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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