whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
