The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
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No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is Oprah even human
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Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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