thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
