some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
