He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
