My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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