Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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