I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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