i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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