WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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